Strengthening purpose through “no”
Exactly three years ago, I was living through one of the darkest moments of my life.
I felt stuck—like someone with one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brake.
I had a promising vision for my future, yet I was trapped in a social cycle that kept pulling me down.
Simply being around those people drained my energy and made me forget who I wanted to become.
Every day, I woke up with a deep ache in my soul, with the bitter feeling that I was wasting my potential.
Deep down, I knew what needed to be done. I knew that if I truly wanted to live my dreams, I would have to leave those people and environments behind.
But the fear of saying “no”—of appearing ungrateful or arrogant—paralyzed me.
Until one day, sitting alone at home, I looked at myself with a sense of disgust for what I had become by failing to reject superficiality—and tears began to fall.
Those tears were not born of weakness, but of the realization of how deeply I had betrayed myself out of fear of disappointing others.
In that moment, something changed.
I felt a strength rise within me—and I decided to break, once and for all, with everything that was stealing my potential.
The discovery of discipline
From that point on, my life took a completely different direction.
I began to grow in silence, with discipline and clarity.
And I learned something that became one of my greatest principles:
Discipline creates freedom.
I discovered joy and continuous growth in a life of restraint.
To be disciplined is to say “no” to what makes you small and to live life on a grand scale—and, above all, to keep walking despite the pain.
The power of “no”
“Saying ‘no’ is saying ‘yes’ to what truly matters.”
— Greg McKeown
To say “no” is to consciously eliminate everything that comes to steal our attention and our time.
It is the courage to reject tasks, invitations, and distractions that dilute our commitment to what truly matters.
I came to realize that saying “no” is also an act of abandonment—the abandonment of superficiality.
Everything that weakens our light, distances us from purpose, and prevents us from living a life centered on the essential must be left behind.
The difficulty of saying “no” has led many of us to abandon our own life projects simply to satisfy the expectations of others.
Saying “no” to one thing is, in truth, saying “yes” to dozens of far more important things.
It is choosing what is vital and freeing yourself from what merely occupies space.
It was only when I learned to say “no” that I began to live a life of maximum contribution.
The fear of disappointing — the root of the unconscious “yes”
“Saying ‘yes’ to everything is the fastest way to lose control of your life. True power lies in choosing with purpose.”
— Tony Robbins
Have you ever said “yes” to a project someone asked you to do and later regretted it?
Have you accepted an invitation from a friend out of fear of losing the relationship, only to regret it afterward?
The need for approval plays a powerful role in our lives.
Unconsciously, we desire to be accepted by society.
We fear saying “no” for many reasons: fear of losing people we love, of being misunderstood, or of missing opportunities.
But do not be afraid—the “no” serves a profound purpose in your life: to align you with your priorities.
Be fully aware that saying “no” does not make you a bad person.
We all want to be approved and well regarded, but the simple act of refusing what is unimportant or what steals your attention allows you to invest time and value in what truly matters: your family, your projects, your peace.
“No” simplifies the path and concentrates your attention on what is vital.
Every “yes” has a price
“Saying ‘yes’ to everything is the fastest way to lose control of your life. True power lies in choosing with purpose.”
— Tony Robbins
When we say “yes” unconsciously, we later harvest the pain of regret, because we sacrifice what is most important.
Every “yes” creates a new responsibility—and by saying “yes” to something, we automatically say “no” to something else that may hold far greater value.
For example, by saying “yes” to projects every weekend, you may be saying “no” to quality time with your family.
“Yes” is easy to say; it requires neither effort nor courage.
“No” is different—it demands awareness, firmness, and the courage to make yourself a priority.
Saying “no” to what is not a priority requires confidence.
At first, it may cause disappointment or discomfort.
But over time, people begin to respect those who live with clarity and place the vital first.
In the end, that respect turns into admiration.
The absence of purpose
“You don’t need more motivation; you need fewer distractions.”
— James Clear
One of the greatest obstacles to saying “no” is the lack of clarity about our priorities.
When we do not know what truly matters, it becomes easy to accept any proposal.
And the more confused we are, the more we say “yes” to everything.
On the other hand, when we are clear about what matters, we gain the strength to reject what is trivial.
A firm sense of purpose acts as a protective field against distractions.
It gives us certainty of direction.
It becomes far easier to say “no” when we are convinced of what truly matters.
The simple decision to reject what is superficial deepens our connection to what is essential.
Where does the fear of saying “no” come from?
Since the earliest days of humanity, human beings have lived in tribes.
There was always a need to belong to a group.
In Israel, for example, there were the tribes of Judah and many others.
An individual who was not accepted by a tribe felt unprotected and vulnerable.
To be accepted, one had to align with the group’s values and principles.
This need for approval became deeply rooted within us.
Even today, we carry this instinct to seek social acceptance.
Often, out of fear of judgment or disappointing others, we say “yes” to things that have little importance.
But living for the approval of others steals our essence.
We begin to value external expectations more than our own purpose.
When we become aware of this and learn to say “no,” we begin to see what truly deserves priority in our lives.
How to say “no” — with clarity and elegance (Greg McKeown)
Separate the decision from the relationship
When someone asks us for something, we may confuse the request with the relationship itself.
We forget that declining a specific request is not the same as rejecting the person.
Only by separating the decision from the relationship can we decide clearly—and then find the courage to communicate it.
Saying “no” elegantly does not always require the word “no”
Essentialists choose “no” more often than they say it.
Sometimes the most elegant refusal is a simple one; other times it may sound like:
“I’m honored you thought of me, but I’m unable to help,” or
“I’d love to, but my schedule is full.”
Focus on what you will lose
The more clearly we see what we give up by saying “yes,” the easier it becomes to say “no.”
If we do not understand the cost of opportunity—the value of what we are losing—we fall into the trap of believing we can do everything.
We cannot.
An elegant “no” is born from the quiet awareness that to gain, we must lose.
Remember that everyone is selling something
Everyone is offering an idea, a point of view, an opinion—in exchange for your time.
Being aware of what is being sold allows you to decide more consciously whether you want to buy it.
Get used to this: saying “no” often trades popularity for respect
Saying “no” may create short-term discomfort in a relationship.
Disappointment, irritation, or even anger may appear.
But once these reactions pass, respect emerges.
When we refuse effectively, we show others that our time is valuable.
This posture distinguishes the professional from the amateur.
Final words
We have reached the end of this week’s newsletter. It will be a great pleasure to have you with me on my journey of daily transformation. The focus of my newsletter is precisely this: sharing reflections on living a centered life, a life of spiritual unity, alignment with our purpose, and the abandonment of superficiality—everything that steals our potential. I invite you to subscribe and receive a message of reflection every Monday, and to walk with me on this path of daily transformation.
Click here: https://eltonjoaomesa.com/discipline
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Thank you for reading!
I wish you all the best.
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